Confusion or Madness Whispers by Mau ~ The Dreamer In Tears , 8.3.10 at 7:00, in

Mind is such an odd thing, with all the knowledge that runs in our time, the mysteries about human mind are still that, mysteries unveiled.
We all know that we fear whatever thing we don't understand, that's human nature. Yet we need to try and understand. So I want to know, what's happening to me, what's happening to my mind?
Having twisted thoughts, I'd never imagined one day I could think about all those things, all those clear visions in my head, that look so real so detailed like if I'm actually there, yet I'm still able to see they are just that, illusions of my mind. But I'm scared, what if I cross that thin almost invisible line that makes me distinguish reality from fantasy?
Am I able to really hurt people? Like any other human I've hurted people, but only with my mouth, as I suck at telling things to people, I don't know how to interact with them, so it's easier for me to hurt them. Will I cross the line and really hurting people? Desire is there, I feel it, and in some sort of twisted way I've let this feeling out. I carry with that burden, I will have it on me for all time I stay alive. So many times I've thought, I'd like to give everything, everything or anything just for what I need to make all people who once hurted me suffer, suffer in the same intensity I did, I'd be so pleased with it...
I'm scared... there it is again... I'm scared, I don't like living like this all time...
Do I really want to stay alive?
No.
Not like this.
Do I really know what I want?
I guess the answer is no.
I'm so sick of all this. I would like to erase it all and start all over again. Maybe if I go away, I could...
And here I am once again, wanting to escape, and evade everything, how long will I be able to keep on running away? Fuck, who cares?
I hate this... this fucking reallity, I hate it. Is there any way to keep me within a happy bubble? In this bubble there are no worries, there aren't sick thoughts, there's only happiness and joy and a satisfied myself... why can't I remain in this happy bubble for a lifetime?

I want some help, but it's scary, things usually go worse when I ask for help, I don't think I'll be able to stand it, I'm not so strong. Do I really trust someone to help me?
.
.
.
No! I must not let anyone know! They'll think I'm crazy, maybe they'll lock me away in some mental institution, I know someone who would like to see me that way. But I don't want to! Because they'll keep me there forever. And all I'm fighting for will be lost, the only dream I've got will never become true, and I'll never feel the true happiness...
What can I do?
Is it just that I'm only confused, really confused... or is it that I'm starting to place my feet in that twisted territory called Insanity??